Cooking a turkey for many rookies seems to be a true mystery. Expert cooks have their own secrets, many of which are only shared with close family and friends. I have tried several approaches over the years and have settled on one that I have used for the past 20 years. After several bad turkey experiences which have included minor oven fires, lots of smoke and setting off smoke alarms, and ending up with a cooked bird that would effectively fill chuck holes on a four-lane highway, I have resorted to the cooking bag. Yep, bag the bird and life will get easier.

First, you need to buy the turkey. Even though big turkeys are harder to handle, I usually buy a big one. You know - 20 to 25 pounds. My family has always cooked big, so I tend to migrate toward a turkey that would easily feed the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Fresh turkeys are good, although they are usually more expensive and harder to find. Personally, I like the challenge of a big 'ol frozen turkey.

Frozen turkeys can be purchased well in advance and put in the freezer. Of course, getting it in the shopping cart at the store can be a challenge if you do the shopping alone. I once saw a rookie try to put a frozen turkey in her cart at Wal-Mart. The turkey was slick due to the frost and this lady picked a big one. It slipped out of her hands, bounced off the rim of her cart, and shot down the aisle about 10 feet, hitting a small child and literally bowling him over. He laughed - so did I. The rookie gasped in horror, but after seeing that we were amused, started to chuckle.

She then tried to pick it up off the floor but she just couldn't get a handle on it. I walked over and offered to help - we were both laughing pretty hard by now. I suggested we set up a shuffle board course right there in the aisles of Wal-Mart and use the turkey as a puck. Finally, the two of us manhandled it into her cart where the turkey smashed two packages of brown-n-serve dinner rolls and two dozen eggs. She stated, "This is harder than I thought."

And I said, "Honey, you don't even have it in your kitchen yet!" Then she asked what she was supposed to do with it if she got lucky enough to get it into her car and then deposit the bird in her kitchen. I told her she should somehow get it in her kitchen sink, cover it with lukewarm water, and wait on it to thaw. "How long does that take?" she questioned. Several hours, I stated. I also advised that a butane torch was not a good idea to speed the thawing process along. She understood.

I then advised her to use the cooking approach that I had learned from a co-worker many years ago who said to stuff it in the largest cooking bag you can find and follow the directions on the back of the cooking bag box. "Did you know that you need to take off the plastic and remove that bag of junk in the cavity of the turkey?" I asked. I saw her sneak a peak at her turkey, probably trying to find some directions. She stated that there didn't appear to be a turkey hotline number in plain sight. I asked if she wanted my phone number and she took it. I did not, however, receive a call from this rookie. Over the next few days, I watched the local newspaper to see if there had been any fire runs involving out-of-control turkeys and there were none. I guess she either figured it out, threw the turkey in her freezer, or just left it in her car to thaw.

Of course, once you get the bird cooking, the next problem is to figure out when the darned thing is done. Some cooks time it. Some use those little pop-off valves where the little red thing pops out when the internal temperature gets to a certain point. I have a pretty simple method. Assuming that you start with a thawed turkey, I know the bird is done is when it has a golden brown appearance and you can move the leg easily with your fingers. I would like to report that all members of my family are still alive and kicking after eating turkey cooked this way for many years. Go figure.